From Bully-bait to Beauty Queen

Ever heard the story of the Ugly Duckling? Well, that’s me.

That old fable is pretty much the tale of my life, except that it took me a really long time to realise that I was the swan. About 43 years to be exact, but let’s take it back to the beginning: I was a weird kid.

I know your instinct is to think, ‘oh I bet you weren’t that bad’, but yes. Yes, I was.

In early Primary School, I was gangly and awkward, which earned me the nickname of ‘Praying Mantis’. However, it wasn’t so much my physical appearance that elicited the most teasing at that point, it was the fact that I just didn’t get how to human. Even the teachers struggled to connect with me and there were numerous times when I was pulled up in front of the whole class for asking a stupid question or doing something dumb.

The thing is, I had undiagnosed ADHD and Autism, but apparently, I masked it well because not one of the people who probably should have noticed, ever flagged my behaviours as being consistent with either of those things. Instead, they publicly shamed me in front of my peers.

Towards the end of Primary School, I became chubby (thanks to hormones and comfort eating) and unfortunately, I grew myself a giant pair of… ears. Those ears, combined with the extra ‘cuddle’ around my middle, triggered a new nickname of ‘Dumbo’. Which, obviously, was much worse. The bullying became more about my appearance, which was far more damaging to my self-esteem.

By the time I hit Highschool I hated myself, and I don’t mean that in a flippant way, I genuinely, and actively, despised everything about me. I felt completely worthless and like I didn’t fit into this world. I was in so much pain that I didn’t want to exist anymore and considered removing myself from the planet many times. I even made a couple of half-hearted attempts to action that plan, but never had the commitment to complete the job, which led to more self-hatred.

There were so many people telling me I was dumb, fat, ugly, weird, pathetic (* insert any imaginable insult here), that I believed it. I thought the world would be better off without me in it. It was a dark space to inhabit, and honestly, I think the only thing that got me through was having a few really good friends, and an amazing mum. The bullying was unbearable at school, but I knew once I was home, I’d be safe and loved. I can’t even imagine how kids survive today with social media following them everywhere they go.

University flipped a switch, but it wasn’t until my twenties when I really started to step into myself. I moved to London, and had the time of my life, working for a huge marketing agency with massive clients. Life was work-hard/play-hard and I took both to the extreme on a daily basis. Anything that removed the focus from the gaping hole in my soul was a welcome distraction.

It was there that I also learned how to shop hard! I was in one of the fashion hubs of the world and I had disposable income, so fashion quickly became an obsession. It was probably one of the better addictions I developed at the time, and also a hidden side of my true self, that had started to come to life.

That chubby little girl who had loved dressing up her Barbie dolls in beautiful clothes, was finally getting to do it for herself. I’d lost my pre-teen weight (thanks in most part to the ‘play-hard’ half of my lifestyle), so all the pretty dresses were mine for the taking. And boy did I take them. All of my leftover pay went on designer outfits that made me feel amazing.

Sure, I was still burying the pain, but at least I looked great doing it!

There’s a whole series I could write (and have written) on the decades in between, but for now, I want to jump ahead to last year.

2024 was the year I finally realised I was a swan.

My first ah-ha moment was in 2023 when I finally discovered that I was neurodiverse. Suddenly all of the things that I had previously hated about myself, made perfect sense. Again, this journey alone could be turned into another book, but let’s just say that, for the first time in my life, I’d stopped hating myself.

The next pivotal moment was meeting a couple of my (now) fellow pageant sisters, who encouraged me to apply for Ms Galaxy Australia. I literally laughed when they first suggested it, thinking ‘why on earth would they think I’d be suitable for a beauty pageant?!’, but the more it marinated, the more it seemed like a good idea. After all, there was no harm in applying right? It's not like I'd get in.

So, I applied, genuinely anticipating that I would get laughed out of the competition and that would be that. But I didn’t. Instead of getting the ‘thanks but no thanks’ email I’d expected, the pageant contacted me to line up an interview. That interview then led to me getting on the shortlist, and before I knew it, I was a National Finalist in Ms Galaxy Australia, and was donning my sparkly tiara as Ms Galaxy Fremantle 2024. I had no idea of the immense impact that one decision would have on the trajectory of my life, and my relationship with myself.

Again, that's a whole other blog post, but the point of me sharing this story is to show how much our internal programming shapes our outer world.

It took me way too long to realise my own worth. It wasn't until my 44th year on earth, strutting along a stage in Sydney wearing my dream dress and loving life, when it finally occurred to me that I was the swan. I now comfortably stand in my power, celebrate my achievements, and wholly embrace Nikki, just as she is - including all the weird. In fact, the weird, is what I love the most.

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